Reality time-out

Busy week (but a good one)

2006-09-23T00:42:00.000-04:00

Sorry for my lack of posts this week. I had my college finals and i really wanted to stay in focus. I did have an amazing week, i honestly think i did really good in all my exams. Now, lets talk about other good stuff!

When i was a kid, i went to Italy with my cousins. I don't like to talk much about it because i spent most of my time in a little town with nothing to do. I hate to say that i went to Italy and i didn't have the opportunity to visit some incredible places like the Coliseum. That has been a big reason why i always wanted to go back.

It seems like that day will come sooner than i expected. I still don't know the date but it could be before January 2007. I will travel alone, i will go to visit my family and then i will take the train to visit everything i can (that's my goal). It kinda makes me nervous to think about doing that trip alone, but i want to explore the country and that could be my only choice.

I'm excited about it. Specially because i have a couple of friends over there. One of them lives in Milan and is a singer. He's very very very sweet and cool, and hot as hell. He invited me to stay with him in Milan (and even cooking for me everything i want). I couldn't be more happy about it. Did i mention he is gay? well, HE IS!!

But trust me, i'm not thinking about doing anything sexual with him. Mmm, that's a lie!! I do think about it, but that's not something i'm going to plan or expect. The only way that could happen is, if when we're together i get lost in his beautiful blue eyes. His eyes and his smile could make me do anything.

He's a very positive person and he's always smiling (like me) so i know for sure we will have a lot of fun.

But he isn't the reason of my trip, he's just one of the plus sides.

The real reason is that i'm thinking about studying over there. I don't know when, i don't know how, but that has been one of my life goals for several years. I will do some research while i'm on Italy and then i will take my final desision.

Thinking about that trip made me focus even more in my studies this week. When i felt tired i imagined myself in Rome and that gave me energies to study harder.

My plans went down

2006-09-18T23:24:00.000-04:00

Hey guys, i'm sorry for not updating the blog this weekend, i had a terrible weekend.

In Latin America, girls have a big party when they turn 15 years old. My cousin's party was on Saturday, September 16. I had everything ready to go, it would be a nine hours road trip. I love long road trips, i've been doing that since i was a baby. I was really excited about the party (i love my cousin).

On Friday, i only had one class and after that i was going to hit the roads! But my mean professor decided to assign a last minute class project. I had to do a very long long long paper and prepare an oral presentation for this Monday. I was mad!

I spent the rest of the day doing that paper with the intention to travel on Saturday morning. I woke up very happy that day and when i jumped in the car something was wrong. The engine didn't want to start. I checked a few things and it didn't work. Other people helped me but nothing happened. Max told me to travel on bus but it would be a 12 hours trip, i wouldn't make it on time. Then my sister decided to buy me an airplane ticket, all i had to do was going to the airport, pick it up and enjoy the flight (thanks sis!!)

I went to the airport and the flight was delayed. I didn't freak out because it was a short flight and i still had enough time. But then the flight was delayed again. At the end, i didn't leave the city. I went back to the apartment and i wasn't in a good mood. Plus, i had a little cold. I didn't feel like posting about it because i didn't want to think about the party i was missing. I went online only for distraction.

Today i saw some pictures of the party. Damn, my cousin looked beautiful. Oh! and i'm in a better mood because my professor really liked my paper (but i'm still mad that i missed the party).

Now i like to think that maybe that trip wasn't meant to be. I keep saying that to myself in order to feel better.

Lockerooms

2006-09-16T00:36:00.000-04:00

Something interesting happened today. When i arrived to college a friend of mine told me that two guys were caught having sex in the lockeroom. I didn't believe her, but turns out everybody was talking about it. I went with my friend to the area but we couldn't get closer. There is a gate dividing the sports area from the rest of the buildings, and it was closed at that moment. Something really happened!

So far, nobody knows for sure the names of the guys. The school authorities were really careful because they noticed how quickly the news spread all over the place. But i guess it would be kinda obvious on monday. People already know about the incident and if a classmate doesn't show up, they will say he was one of them. Both guys were kicked out from college.

Apparently, people found out about it because they were being really loud and there is a classroom in front of the lockeroom. (plus, there is echo in the room).

You should know something about lockerooms over here. My college is the only educational institution in the state that has one! Shocking, i know. In my college most guys never go there because they're not used to take showerx in front of other guys. If we had lockerrooms in school and high school it would be a different story.

As a gay guy, i can't imagine myself going into a place with hot guys taking showers together, and not having an erection. How did you guys do it? was it hard not to look at the other guys?

These pictures are from my college. I took them a few weeks ago but you can have a little glimpse of the place. The first one is inside of the gym, you can see the back door at the bottom. The male lockeroom is on that way.

In the second picture you can see the gate i told you about. The male lockeroom was at my right when i took that picture.

003. Orientation

2006-09-14T15:57:00.000-04:00

This is the continuation to the "Time to move on" post. If you haven't read it, click here. One more post and then you will know all the basics about my past since i realized i was gay.

By February 2006 i started looking for boys. I put my eyes on a cute guy named Salem. He was the first person i met when i started college. Everytime i saw him, we had a friendly conversation and he was very nice (and super hot!). I didn't know how to get closer to him the way i wanted. i mean, should i tell him that i know he's gay, i'm gay too, lets go out? or there are rules about it and i had to wait until he came out to me. I know it sounds silly but at that point i only had a few months being 99% sure about my sexuality, and just a few weeks from moving on from my crush with Josh. Plus, i didn't have any gay friend to talk to and i didn't think about the internet.

While i was trying to figure out what to do with Salem, something unexpected happened. I was sitting on a bench taking some notes and out of nowhere the guy next to me said something.

Him: you're cute

I looked at him and smiled for two different reasons. Number one: It was the very first time i hear a guy saying that to me, and number two: He made me feel so silly for over thinking the whole Salem situation.

Me: thank you
Him: do you feel comfortable with me after what i said?
Me: yeah
Him: are you gay too?
Me: ...yes

Alex and I talked for a while and i had a good time with him. Then he asked me if i was busy. We went to his place, talk a little bit more but it was obvious that we were going to do other things. He made the first move and kissed me, i couldn't believe i was finally making out with a guy. One thing lead to another one and suddenly i found myself topping him and enjoying so much my first sexual experience with a guy. After sex we clean up, i put my clothes on, kissed him once more, and went home feeling really good. We became good friends, the kind of friends that have sex from time to time.

A few days later, i went to the mall to buy some stuff i needed for a class project. Salem was there too and i said hi. We spent the rest of the afternoon together, just talking and shopping.

Salem: hey, let's go to the movies
Me: what are we going to do with all this stuff?
Salem: i live across the street

We went to his place to leave all the bags. It was a nice little apartment, his parents used to rent it but gave it to him when he started college in the city.

Me: who is she? (pointing someone in a picture)
Salem: that's my girlfriend

What???? Salem was straight??? I felt so stupid, and even more stupid when i told Alex about it. I never said anything about Salem to him so that's why he never told me he knew Salem wasn't gay. It was obvious to him that i had a really bad "gaydar" (well, to be honest he said i didn't have one). I supposed Salem was gay because i thought we had some kind of connection and i never saw him hang it out with girls.

Alex told me the names of some guys from college he knew were gay and i was surprised. I thought most of them were straight. Specially a guy named Jose, we studied together in high school, he was the capitan of the soccer team. He always talked about girls and hookers, and turns out he had a date with Alex!

Alex then told me about a website/chat where gay people from our age talk and then meet each other. That's how he met most of the guys he told me. Keep in mind that i live in a country were gay people can't be as open as they are in the USA or Canada. He told me it would be a nice place for me to start meeting gay people.

002. Time to move on

2006-09-14T00:53:00.000-04:00

This is the continuation to the "Out of the bubble" post. If you haven't read it, click here.

I was in shock when my evil grandmother told me about my half-sister, but i wasn't surprised at all because i knew my father had some affairs in the past. I couldn't stop thinking about my mom, i was feeling really bad for her. To make things worst, thanksgiving was only a couple of weeks ahead and i was going to be with my parents. You have no idea how awkward was that for me. I felt weird around my dad and i was scare to say something by accident. That didn't happen and by January i was back at the apartment.

All i knew about my half-sister was her name and that she was about to finish college (she was going to be an architech). It became such an obssesion that one day i decided to find her. I went to her college and looked for the list of students working on their thesis (over here everybody have to do a thesis in order to graduate from college) but she wasn't on the list. Then i went to another hall and found the list of graduate students from previous semesters and turns out she was there. My half-sister already finished college, and now i didn't have any other way to find information about her on my own.

I continued with my life, which at the moment was very confusing. Josh was very sweet to me all the time. He used to go the apartment to use my computer, while he was there i was on my bed very close to him. It was hard for me because i had to be careful of not showing my feeling for him. I had to repeat to myself that Josh was straight and nothing will ever happen with him.

I realized that i was wasting my valuable college time thinking about all my family issues and an impossible romance. I had to do something about it. At that moment, i decided to focus on my studies and finally explore all the things i was feeling inside about my sexuality.

I had to go out there and find a guy.

Thank you SO much

2006-09-12T10:52:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you! When i decided to open this blog i didn't expect it to make me feel so good after every post. I only have one person to talk about my life without lies or secrets, and that person isn't around all the time. That's why this blog is great for me.

I want to thanks two guys in particular, Micifus because he inspired me to start my own blog and Gray because he was the first person to leave a comment here and he's very nice to me. I love comments, everybody feel free to write me anytime. If you have MSN Messenger you can add me: outsyve@hotmail.com

Oh! In case you're wondering, this blog is in english because i'm in the closet, this way is harder for people around me to find it (at least until i come out).

See you guys later!

Enjoy the rain!

2006-09-10T23:24:00.000-04:00

Today, Josh (my best friend) had to go to his uncle's ranch. He asked me to join him. I love nature so i accepted right away. We went in his car and talked a lot about nothing in particular, but it was really fun. For me it was exciting to leave the city behind and watch the empty roads and mountains.

Two hours later, we arrived and his uncle's wasn't in the house so we walked around the property looking for him. There were a lot of mango trees. I supposed his uncle wouldn't mind if i took one (i love the green ones because they are sour).

We found his uncle after a long walk. They talked a little bit while i was finishing my mango. Then started to rain all of a sudden. We hurried up but the house was still far away and we were already wet from head to toes. I slowed down and decided to walk. Instead of running from the rain i was going to enjoy it.

When i was younger, my parents had a little house in the Venezuelan plain or llano. Everytime it rained i went outside and walk/run/play around the property in my bathing suit, barefoot. it was really fun for me! Call me crazy but i loved the cold water falling everywhere and the weird sensation of the wet argillaceous ground in my feet.

Today i was fully clothed but still was a refreshing experience. When you are surrounded by nature and it's raining, the whole scenario change. I dont know, that's the way i see it. Maybe i was feeling nostalgic.

Once inside the house, i wear borrowed clothes while everything was in the dryer machine. We returned to the city in the afternoon, when the night was falling. I took a couple of pictures when my cellphone baterry was fully charged.

That's all for today, i'm sure tomorrow i will wake up feeling sick but i won't complain... i think. I bought some medicine just in case.

001. Out of the bubble

2006-09-09T17:54:00.000-04:00

Let me begin with a little something about my past so you can understand me better.

Over here, almost all the schools have kinder garden, school and high school, all in one place, and my parents sent me to one of the most strict schools in the city. We wear uniforms and we had to have a very clean image (i went to the principal's office several times because my teachers had a problem with my "semi-long" hair). The reason i'm telling you this is because i spent 13 years of my life over there so i kinda learn how to stay out of troubles.

I always hang out with the same people, we were a big group of really good friends. It had a good high school experience.

A couple of months after i turn 17 years old, i left my family to go to college in another city. I was really excited! I was going to share an apartment with two other guys: John (18) and Max (21) -those aren't their real names, but very close!-.

My first night living there, Max introduced me to his girlfriend and Josh (18) his friend. When i saw Josh, i swear i hear "danger! danger!" in my head. He looked like a trouble maker, with tatoos and piercings. He spent a lot of time in our apartment, so it was inevitable for me to talk to him. Turns out we had a lot of things in common, we were born in the same place and even went to the same high school!. We became best friends on my first week over there.

College is all about new experiences (that's what people say), i honestly felt like i spent my life in a bubble and suddenly i was in some kind of different world. I was having an amazing time! Everybody in the apartment wanted me to hang out with them and their friends but most of the time i went out with Josh. And in less than a month, i started to have feelings for him, it was so confusing to me because i never felt something like that for a boy, i didn't know i was gay.

I was scare to talk about it with anyone because, what if they dont like me anymore? what if i had to move out or something like that? I had to keep it to myself.

It was hard for me, specially when i had to help him with his girlfriends. One time he was having sex with a girl in Max's bedroom and his real girlfriend showed up. I had to go out with her while Josh got dressed and kick the other girl from the apartment. It was kinda painful for me, and his girlfriend never knew he was cheating on her.

I was confuse, i felt alone. And to make things worst, my evil grandmother threw me a curve ball...

E.G.: you have another sister.

Far away from home and the friends i grew up with, i had to deal with my feelings, my sexual identity crisis, the news about a half-sister and at the same time trying to keep good grades at school. All that in just one month.

I went from an easy-going kind of life, to something that i've only seen before on tv.

Introduction

2006-09-07T21:24:00.000-04:00

So here i am, another confused boy trying to figure out who he is and what he wants. A few months ago i realized i was living in some kind of bubble and suddenly i'm in the real world experimenting new things, like moving out from home, leaving my friends behind, making new "friends", making out with... boys?

And if my suddenly confusing life wasn't enough, turns out everyone around me were having their own crisis and somehow i'm involve in all of that.

I'm not complaining, is just that i spent 17 years having a very calm/relax style of life and then in 1 year everything changed so much and so fast that i honestly feel like my tv suck me in and now i'm in some kind of soap opera, but more as a viewer than the leading actor, you know?.

So let me start by saying that i'm 18 years old, i'm in college, i'm from Venezuela (so forgive me for my english).

I hope you like my blog and i hope you enjoy it
Bye -for now-